The only thing worse than escorting is leaving, getting out, realizing the effects is has had on you and your spirit. Starting to heal the damage, and then with a twist of bad fate that i have become all too familiar with, having to go back in. It’s almost an indescribable feeling of suck. I know better, I dread working, and I can’t even pull it off like I did once. Once you have to face it, and stop lying to yourself about the easy money – once you truly own up to what this industry is and then turn around and go back to it , well I can’t expect to be able to pull it off like I once could.

I’m not in the same line, not even close, but it is what it is. Being fake…lying… Counting on this money to keep us safe, and hating everyone In my path. I’m literally the definition of miserable. I started with a small group of regular friends, but I am pushing them away one by one, and then having to let new people in which is so dangerous. I’m so aware of every danger now. I used to know, but not feel it. Now every part of me feels the overwhelming fear with each new face. I am no longer the numb carefree girl I once was, and it sucks. I cant deal with the men at all. I do it, and I pull it off because I am obviously a good faker, but my mind is so aware of how wrong this is. I feel badly for myself, for the wives they keep telling me all about, for all the ones out there just like me.
Ive lost clients because I make them feel a connection. It’s my job. I make them feel such a connection with me and I play the game, but there have been a few now that don’t understand the rules of the game, and when it ends, and have gotten mad that i wont have dinner out with them, or go on trips, or answer their calls on my personal time. The line is blurred, and I have no tolerance for the blur. Business is business, but if they are going to get mad because I won’t jet off to an island with them, I am going to tell them exactly what they don’t want to hear. Take your wife. I am not your girlfriend, or mistress, or anything other than business. Take that wife you keep telling me that you love and how wonderful she is.

My faith in men is gone. Gone, gone, gone. This last relationship ending, and the way he has treated me, combined with what I see in the industry- gone. I don’t think I will ever look at a man and see love, or anything other than a giant walking dick who will do whatever necessary to sneak into bed with as many women as he can get away with. Jaded with a capital j I am … I admit it, but getting to where I was emotionally and spiritually, and then to have my world crash in on me again, and be right back here is devastating. But damn it I am determined to get through this, get to where I need to be, stand up and brush this shit off again and move forward. And I will, but I just hope I get back to where I was when I started this blog. Right now I am so angry and I hate it. Its not me and I don’t handle it well. I hate my ex for his role in this, I hate myself for getting myself Into this situation, and I hate my clients. I’m turning into an angry sad person that I don’t want to be, and I just want this to be over.

Desperate times make us do things we don’t want to do, and I know how many of us are in the same boat right now. Your e,ails piss me off and break my heart at the same time. I feel bad for you all, and your situations. I feel bad for myself. I want to scream that we don’t have to do this, that there are other ways, and this is a really shitty fix for a problem, but I am in the same boat, so screaming won’t do much good. I/we have to survive, we need shelter, and food, and a way to get on our feet, because we will stand again someday, I promise.

I cry everyday, and In my world I am totally alone and angry, but secretly knowing you all through this blog and your emails means the world right now, so I thank you. Be safe, stay strong, and lets get through this crap.